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The Feels of DOOM - Chapter 2 (ZADR)

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At the bar, I ordered a rum and cola for myself, and sat next to Zim on one of the less stained barstools. I handed over my library card over to the bartender, a massive slab of a man who seemed a few minutes behind the rest of the world. He looked at it for a second, his eyes completely unfocused, before grunting in acceptance and handing the card back. I still haven’t yet figured out why I can get away with that, my library card doesn’t even look remotely like a drivers license.

“BEERMONGER!!!” shouted Zim, causing a few heads to turn toward us. “ZIM demands LEMONADE!”

The bartender raised an eyebrow slowly. “Hard lemonade?”

“LIQUID!!! Liquid lemonade for ZIM!!! Have you the brain worms?”

“…Right.”

“I AM ZIM!!!” shouted Zim triumphantly.

A few moments later, the bartender brought our drinks. Zim stuck his tongue into his glass and began drinking, making awkward slurping noises. I suppose he uses his tongue like a straw, given that he tried to eat the plastic straw the bar tender handed him.

“Zim approves of this idea.” His speech was already beginning to slur, and he quickly finished off the glass. “Bar monster! Zimmands more lemonade!”

I sipped quietly on my drink. I’d never seen Zim drunk before. Heck, I didn’t even know that Irkens could get drunk, and on little more than sugar, citric acid, and yellow food coloring for that matter. Maybe it was the sourness that affected them? This could be interesting. He quickly downed another glass of lemonade. “Zim, why do you like invading?” I asked.

“Where…WHAT!?! Zimvader… has always been invader. Since I was…” He hiccuped. Well, I assume it was a hiccup. It sounded more like a bird chirping. “A mere smee… smeet… thing… I have been -CHIRP- groomed for ‘vading. Academy… I was a cadet, y’know. -CHIRP-“ He finished off another glass, then indicated to the bartender for more. “Admiral Snork, she was top… thingy… said I could be ruler. ARE YOU HAPPY AMMIRAL?” He shouted, shaking his fist at the ceiling. “She… shaid the veins of invading march through my rubber pants. Bar’m’ster! More memolade! -CHIRP-“ And with that, he promptly fell backwards off his bar stool, rambling incoherently at the ceiling.

“C’mon, Zim. I think you’ve had enough.” I paid for our drinks, then scooped him up in my arms, thankful for his tiny stature.

“Leggo Zim…” he muttered. “Zim is carried by nomman… no humam… man.” I think he fell asleep at that point, but I wasn’t really sure. A little buzzed myself, I carried him back to his house where GIR let us in.

“GIR? Uh… can… can we have some privacy?”

“You betcha! What is it?”

“Oh, uh… It means… go to the lower level, start at ten, and count backwards until you get to orange.” That ought to keep it occupied for a while. It saluted me, then disappeared into the kitchen.

I set Zim down on his couch and sat next to him. He mumbled something about doom, then tipped over and fell onto my lap, his head resting on my thighs. I smiled, feeling content, although I had no idea why.

“Dibly… I thanks you. Maybe -CHIRP- friend?”

A smile crept on to my face. Friend. I hadn’t had a friend since… well, for as long as I could remember. Friends were just something that other people had. I leaned my head back against the couch, letting my mind wander…


“DIB STINK! AWAKE!” I blearily opened my eyes. I was still on Zim’s couch, although I didn’t remember falling asleep. Zim was standing on the cushion next to me, although that barely brought him up to my sitting eye level.

“Uhgg.” I rubbed my eyes. Thunder echoed distantly outside, and I wasn’t sure what time it was.

“WHAT has the Dib creature done to Zim?”

“Huh?”

Zim crossed his arms angrily. He had removed his contacts, although he was still wearing his goofy wig. “What did Dib do with Zim last night?”

“Uh… I took you out for drinks?”

“For drinks… FOR DRINKS!” He shouted, pacing back and forth across the couch cushions, wobbling a little. “Why did the Dib remove inhibitions from ZIM?”

It took me a moment to figure out what he was asking. “Erm… because I thought it would help you feel better?”

“But WHY!?! ZIM REQUIRES ANSWERS!” His shouting was a little quieter than normal, and I noticed his eyes were a tinge bluer than usual. Perhaps that was the Irken equivalent of being bloodshot. Man, he’s a lightweight.

“Uh… because that’s what friends do.”

“Friend? FRIEND? The smelly, stinky, odorous Dib is FRIEND!?!” He sat down on the couch and… well, it sure looked like he was pouting, trying to figure something out.

“Yeah…? I mean, aren’t we? Isn’t that what you said?”

“I don’t know,” he said sadly. I always got really nervous whenever he used first person to refer to himself. “Do friends fight?”

“Erm… All the time, I think.”

“Are friends enemies?”

“Well… not exactly. I suppose it’s possible.” I played with a small rip in the couch cushion. I was far from an expert about friendships, and Zim’s questions were making me feel a little… inadequate. I rubbed my eyes, some amount of alcohol still in my system.

“Do friends mate?”

“Ye-wait, what!?!”

“IGNORE ZIM’S PREVIOUS INQUIRY!”

“No no no, you said-“

“LIES! YOU SPEAK LIES!” He pointed a finger at me accusingly, although he was looking anywhere but at me.

“Mating is… well, it’s-“

“SHUT YOUR SOUND HOLE, OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!

I smirked. Although Zim had done a pretty good job of maiming me over the years, his threats of destruction were never actually followed through on. In fact, the times that I had been seriously injured were mostly accidents that he later claimed were intentional. 

“Zim, do you even understand how human mating works?”

He nodded proudly. “Yes. The taller sticks their finger in their mouth, then inserts the saliva-covered finger into the shorter’s ear.”

“No, that’s a wet willy. It’s… something young kids do to… I guess to tease each other.”

“Yes! This ‘tease’ assists in engorging the shorter’s ear hole to better receive the genetic material in the saliva.”

I rubbed my face. “No, that’s not human mating.”

“Oh… Then the genetic material must be stored in the stomach button in fluff form. It makes sense now. What else could said button be used for?”

“No, that’s bellybutton lint. Why did you bring up mating?”

Zim… was he blushing!?! I rubbed my chin, thinking. “Zim, on your planet, how does… uh, mating work? Like, the dating thing, not the actual… y’know, ‘body things’.”

“We do not mate any longer, the Irken species has advanced far beyond the need for such pathetic animalistic rituals. Occasionally, we do choose life partners, though. For strategic advantages, of course.”

“Of course.” I smirked. “And, hypothetically speaking, if an Irken were to choose a ‘strategic’ partner, how would they go about doing that?”

Zim glanced at me with those big crimson eyes. He looked sad, for some reason. “On the Irken home planet, the primary complement is to remark upon the other’s height. The greatest compliment is to refer to another as one’s tallest. Only the Supreme Tallest can receive that praise, though.” A scowl crossed his face briefly as he mentioned his leaders. “Other complements can include ‘taller’, ‘reasonably tall’, ‘quite tall’, ‘vertically gifted’, and, if one is feeling bold, ‘lanky’.”

“Huh…”

“But Zim is not tall. Zim is short.”

“No kidding.”

“So Zim has never considered having a partner.”

I tapped my chin, thinking. This conversation was headed in an interesting direction, although it was starting to veer into ‘awkward’ territory. “Will you be OK tonight?” I asked, standing.

“What does the Dib thing mean?”

I shrugged. “It’s late, I’m tired, and you’re still a little drunk on lemonade. Does your… PAK thing… I don’t know how it works. Will you need, erm, help? Y’know, with the whole ‘not dying’ thing?”

Zim shivered, and laughed hollowly. “My PAK. Before, it was a glorious device of incomprehensible potential. It was my primary line of defense. My safe guard. My survival kit. My backup. My ZIM-ness” He tapped his PAK. “Now it is nothing more than a metal storage unit.” There was a slight hiss as he removed it from his back, holding it sadly.

“WHOA!” I shouted. “Won’t you, like, die in ten minutes or something without it on?”

Zim sat back down on the couch. “The life-count, yes. That is only if it is forcibly removed from Zim’s body. Like it was when the Dib beast stole it.” He glared at me, although he knew well that I had no idea what I had done at the time. “When it is intentionally removed, or when it is disabled, as this one is, it transfers all essential functionality to the tertiary brain in Zim’s luxurious forehead. Bodily functions, primary memories, first through fourth level consciousness and subconsciousness, core motor skills, etc.” He shivered. “It also keeps… I mean, kept, Zim warm on this revolting chilly Earth mud-ball.”

“Can’t you just heat up your base?”

“Foolish Dib. The interface for the base computer’s core reactor regulator is so complex that the knowledge required to modify the system’s thermal properties was stored in the PAK, and was not flagged as vital enough to copy during the deactivation transfer.”

I struggled a little through that sentence, parsing it out in my head. “So… you forgot.”

“LIES!!!” Zim shouted, shaking his fist at the ceiling. “ZIM did not FORGET! The FORGETTENING was FORCED upon the glorious ZIM when the CRUEL TALLEST cruelly deactivated Zim’s PAK in their CRUEL ACT OF CRUEL CRUELTY.”

I took my glasses off for a moment to rub my eyes. “So basically you’re cold and can’t get warm?”

“Yes, dumb human. Besides, even if Zim could, raising the core reactor temperature even a few kelvin could trigger a massive meltdown.” I put my glasses back on and walked back to the couch. Sitting next to Zim, I leaned against him, his cool shoulder against my warm chest. A little voice in my head chided me that this was a bad idea, but the dribble of remaining alcohol drowned it out. “Zim does not think… wait a moment… YES! ZIM has an IDEA! Dib human, your pathetic human body generates heat, does it not?” I nodded. “Yes… YES! You, Dib warmth, shall transfer your corpulent heat to ZIM until the Earth Sun rises and Zim can create a more permanent solution.”

I smiled a little and patted my lap, indicating for him to move closer. I don’t think he got the idea, though. “ZIM shall remove the Dib creature’s internal organs, and replace them with himself, thus absorbing the human’s warmth! I’M A GENIUS!!!”

“Hey, genius? That’d kill me.” Zim looked at me blankly. I always forget that his concept of mortality was different from… well, basically anyone else I’d ever met. “If I’m dead I won’t generate more heat.”

“Very well. Perhaps-“ Zim was cut short when a loud clank rang out, and GIR fell from the mess of conduits that made up the ceiling. “GIR!!! What were you doing up there?”

“I wanna be a lemur!” it cried. “Ye-haw! But I heard master and Mary talking ‘bout body things. I thinks you should cuddle it. Bestest way for warmmies!”

“Cuttle? I have read about this… ‘cuttle’. It is a fish type, no?”

I rubbed my eyes again. There must have been much more rum in that drink I had than I thought, since I was actually considering cuddling with Zim. “Zim, where’s your bedroom?”

“Room of beds? YES! I have such things. BEDS! OH THE BEDS I HAVE!!!”

“You don’t have one,” I stated flatly.

Zim ignored me. “COMPUTER!!! Download all knowledge of these… ‘beds rooms’ from the human’s pathetic internet. Analyze, synthesize, and fabricate the optimum ‘bedroom’ for ZIM!!! Uh… Use multipurpose chamber 6A. For tonight, ZIM SHALL CUTTLEFISH THE DIB WARMTH!” There was silence for a moment. “Computer?”

“Please,” came the haughty metallic voice of the base’s computer. “I am CREATING… Complete.”

“Very good. DIB!!!” I jumped a little. “You will accompany me to the lower bed level room thing.”

I sighed. I was exhausted, and was hoping I could just stay on the couch. But Zim grabbed my arm and led me toward the elevator to the lower levels. “Ow, Zim. You’re hurting my arm. My shoulder doesn’t bend like that.”

                                                                                       

“Ha. Pathetic human skeletal system.” Same old Zim.

Chapter 2!!!

This week marks the furthest from home that I've ever posted anything to DeviantArt. I am currently in Bergen, Norway (one of the inspirations for Arendelle in Frozen), and it is super crazy beautiful here! Tomorrow we're flying to Copenhagen, and from there we will board a cruise for a nine-day tour of Norway's fjords! It's soooo awesome!

But, unfortunately because of that, I won't have a chapter posted next weekend. I'll try to get it posted as soon as we get off of the cruise, but I have no idea what internet connectivity will be like (we're going to Svalbard after the cruise). So until then, enjoy this lovely blob of ZADR fluff.

As always, if you enjoyed it or have constructive feedback for me, leave a comment below! Love you all!

Chapter 1: Here
Chapter 3: Here
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